Good morning,

Here it is Monday. I didn't blog yesterday, perhaps because I was rebelling against my own strictures, or what I was experiencing as some sort of self-imposed routine. I also noticed the same impulse last night when I thought I wouldn't bother with Evening Prayer. "I don't want to," was the simple motivation. And, I was just about to give into that impulse when I picked up Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest . I'll put the link for this at the end, since I've found that if you go to it, you can't get back to the Blog to read the rest of it by hitting the return button.

What I read that hit me was this: "The disposition of sin is not immorality and wrong-doing, but the disposition of self-realization---I am my own god. This disposition may work out in decorous morality or in indecorous immorality, but it has the one basis, my claim to my right to myself."

Whoa! So, I did my Evening Prayer, perfunctorily perhaps, but at least I did the readings. I apologize if anyone was looking for the references here yesterday. I was excusing myself from my self-imposed duties because I was assuming that no one reads this.

So, this morning, I have a little bit of the blues, a little bit of disturbance of my peace. Resistance again towards doing the prayers.

I've noticed that the routine of doing the morning and evening prayer has been immensely helpful. It's been so much easier to read the Bible and have the stories come alive, as if I'm carrying around in my inner being these wonderful images and life-imparting words and they create a force-field against other stuff that tries to disturbe my peace from the outside.

Why would I want to decide "I don't want to" enjoy this wonderful sense of God's closeness?

I suppose the answer is this: I want to control my own life. I want to call the shots. I even rebel against my own self-imposed routines that I know are good for me.

I had an interesting conversation with a friend last Friday about how difficult life can become when everything you do involves a choice of some kind. Having no routines, no structure to one's life means that whether you get up in the morning becomes a choice.

This morning, I choose to yield control of my life. I will force myself to swim against my natural desires right now to dawdle, to surf the 'net, to continue writing here, to do the Morning Prayers. And because I do not feel like praising God, I will praise Him and sing the whole office. I want Him to guide me in whatever I do with the rest of the day, so that even the little mundane things will be enfused with grace.


Click on My Utmost for His Highest and you'll find today's entry. You'll see a link on the page that will get you yesterday's entry if you want to read the whole thing.