September 3, 2003 Evening

It’s after 9 pm and I’ve been avoiding doing Evening Prayer by checking my email, surfing the web and even playing a game of the infernal Spider Solitaire.

Finally, I sit down at the dining room table to do it. I don’t feel like singing the Psalms so I read them. I don’t feel like being here at all and I don’t feel like writing either. I’m tired and feel dull and uncreative.

Psalm 18 is a great psalm. Full of wonderful verses that spark memories, but I’m too lazy to write any of those memories down. I wondered if the reason I was not able to enter into Scripture was the fact that this morning I tried writing after my prayer instead of journaling during it. I wanted to be more efficient and save time. So, I had sort of an “efficient” day today. Got all sorts of things done. Time went by, I got caught up in it. It was okay. Work was pleasant. No big preoccupations.

Met my friend Debbie for lunch and that was good. Rode my bike to meet her at the big shopping center where Joey's Only Seafood is located, 20 minutes ride each way and got caught in a rain shower on the way back. Was able to really "be" in the rain, with all my senses alert, feeling drops on my upper lip, hearing them pelt my green water-resistant jacket, seeing them freckle the pavement and collect on my sunglasses. I loved the way the wind turned the leaves upside down and how the air smelled like wet earth.

So, I just read Psalm 18, singing it inwardly, being rather ho hum about it. And thinking, this is precisely the time when I’m going to sit here and get past this resistance and this stubbornness. I would rather go to bed and read or watch television.

One of the benefits of having a prayer discipline is that there are all sorts of wonderful things that can happen when you feel like this if you persist and resist the natural tendency to say, aw, the heck with this. God isn’t speaking to me. These words seem meaningless to me tonight, I’m going to make popcorn, watch television, or whatever it is I do when I choose what the carnal me wants to do.

I believe most Christians quit when the going gets a little rough in their prayer lives. They don’t persist when they experience this kind of natural resistance. And, from my experience, if the enemy is successful in getting you to quit by using a certain ploy, then he’ll keep using it until you successfully unmask his ploy. For example, some people try to pray or read the Bible and fall asleep every time they try. So they give up. No, prop that head up. Keep those eyes open. Keep on trying.

So, now I’ve got to follow my own advice. I find the same thing often happens in prayer groups, too. There’s almost always a natural resistance to praying. The small talk eats away at the time with the Lord. The attempts to pray seem awkward. It’s hard to press in. It’s hard to beat back the self-consciousness, the ennui, the physical discomfort and the mental distraction. But, it’s worth it. And, anyone can do it. It doesn’t take some kind of spiritual giant or saint. Just an ordinary person who would rather not pray, who decides to exercise her will and force herself whether she likes it or not. Someone who’s not going to take “No” for an answer when it comes to being in God’s presence. Someone who chooses to believe that we can, because of Jesus, go boldly to the Throne of Grace, that we can cry “Abba” Father even if we’re whining and complaining like I have been just now.

O Lord, open thou our lips;
And our mouth shall show forth thy praise.
O God, make speed to save us;
O Lord, make haste to help us

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Ghost;
As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.

Praise ye the Lord;
The Lord’s Name be praised.

Lord, I choose to draw nigh to you. I choose to resist the devil. I know in faith that you will draw nigh to me.

I no longer want to leave this chair. I can wait in silence. I feel peaceful, my mind quiet, expectant. My eye itches a little and I rub it.

I just opened up the Psalter to Psalm 18 again and the room seemed to grow brighter.

“I love thee, O Lord, my strength/ The Lord is my stony rock, my defence and my Savior.” (Psalm 18:1)

“Thou also shalt light my candle: the Lord my God shall make my darkness to be light.” (Psalm 18: 30)

Tonight, my prayer is without words.

The Magnificat, (Luke 1:46-55) speaks to me. “My soul doth magnify the Lord,/ and my spirit hath rejoiced in God my Savior.
For he hath regarded/ the lowliness of his handmaiden.

I imagine the Annunciation, Mary meeting the angel, and I think as well of the images in Psalm 18 of the earth quaking and trembling.

Mary, whose response to the angel was, “Behold the handmaid of the Lord. Be it unto me according to thy word.”

I wonder what I would do if an angel appeared to me, right here at my dining room table. I hope I too would say “Let it be according to thy word.”

But, in the second lesson tonight in Luke22:1-38 I read about the Last Supper, Judas’s betrayal, Peter’s promise to follow the Lord to the death and Jesus’ prediction that Peter will deny Him three times.

I know I am like Peter, and that even without death being threatened I deny and betray the Lord constantly.

“In my trouble I called upon the Lord: and complained unto my God.
So he heard my voice out of his holy temple: and my complaint before him entered into his ear.
The earth trembled and quaked: the very foundations also of the hills shook, and were moved, because he was wroth.
There went up a smoke out of his nostrils, and a consuming fire out of his mouth: so that coals were kindled at it.
He bowed the heavens also, and dame down: and it was dark under his feet.” Psalm 18: 6-10

I wonder if, when I say I feel the presence of God by the peace that I feel, whether I have any idea what I’m talking about. Maybe I’ve only been given as much as I can stand of His glory.

I’m going to sign off for now.